The Weight Gain Plan or How to Get Fat in Five Easy Steps
I know it’s strange to find a “how to” article focusing on adding fat to your body. You might say that we already know how to do that—since 2/3 of Americans are overweight and 1/3 are clinically obese. You might say we’ve already mastered this topic! I want to challenge that assumption. I think even though we Americans are overweight and obese as a nation, very few people are aware of how they actually got there. In other words . . . we’re living with the effects of The Weight Gain Plan every day, yet we’re really not cognizant of the causes. So I’d like to present the topic of weight loss in a different way: Let’s suppose a billionaire appeared at your doorstep and offered you $10 billion if you could add 100 pounds of body fat in less than a year. How could you do that?
Step 1. Slow Your Metabolism. The very first thing you’ve got to do is slow your metabolism so you’ll burn fewer calories when you’re at rest. That way, even if you don’t increase the amount of food you eat, you’ll automatically add weight and store body fat. The easiest way to slow your metabolism is to stop all forms of exercise. Avoid walking. Spend a lot of time in front of the TV. Take elevators instead of stairs. Get a desk job. Find parking spaces as close as possible to the stores where you shop so you don’t spend time walking across the parking lot. And, of course, purchase one of those electric chairs or scooters so you can get around without having to walk at all.
Step 2. Drink Lots of Soda. In your attempt to gain weight, you should get yourself addicted to caffeinated soda, consuming it at every possible opportunity, including breakfast. This is a great way to pack on the pounds because soda and other soft drinks are made with high-fructose corn syrup. This ingredient spikes the blood sugar in your body, sends an emergency signal to your pancreas, which produces increased levels of insulin in order to keep the blood sugar levels from going too high. The cells in your body then remove blood sugar from your bloodstream, and through a complex biological process involving the liver, manages to store that blood sugar as body fat.
Step 3. Choose High Caloric Density Foods. Be sure to purchase foods with very high caloric density. Raw, uncooked fruits and veggies will fill you up before you get very many calories into your meal. For example, it’s very difficult to eat 1,000 calories of apples at one sitting because your stomach will simply fill up before you reach 1,000 calories. But, if you choose processed foods with ingredients such as white flour, hydrogenated oils or saturated fats, and sugar, you can pack in a couple thousand calories in one sitting without ever feeling full. It’s very important to eat these kinds of foods at every meal. You want to make sure your diet consists of things like cheese, fried foods and lots of white bread. Pizza is an outstanding choice because it not only has a high caloric density from the cheese, but it also has the high glycemic index that accompanies the white flour crust. Lots of sugary breakfast cereals with high-fat cow’s milk is also an excellent choice. This will give you saturated fat from the milk and the high sugar content of the cereal, so you can get fat to your body through two different biological mechanisms: fat and refined carbohydrates.
Step 4. Load Up on Junk Foods. This is of course another outstanding choice. A bag of potato chips provides an impressive quantity of dietary fats as well as refined carbohydrates. You can also have fried foods. They have a very high caloric density, and the batter in which these foods are fried is normally made with white flour so you also get the high glycemic index effects from the carbohydrates in the batter as well as the high caloric density of the fried fats.
Step 5. Eat in Fast Food Restaurants Frequently. If you had to choose an ideal source for the combination of food ingredients that would rapidly accelerate your quest for obesity, you’d have to put fast food restaurants at the top of the list. The more popular the fast food chain, the faster their food packs on the body fat. (Maybe that’s what the “fast” in “fast food” really means!) Eat in these restaurants at least once a day, and be sure to order the largest quantities of soda, fries and hamburgers because it’s quantity that counts. You can pack in as much as 2,000 calories in a single meal!! You will be able to cash that $1 billion check well ahead of time if you eat three meals a day at a fast food restaurant.
Of course, by the time you actually win the $1 billion you’ll have suffered the devastating health effects of consuming these processed foods, junk foods, fast foods and disease-promoting food ingredients. You will certainly be $1 billion richer, but if you don’t reverse everything you’ve done over the last 90 days you will soon learn the truth . . . that you can’t take it with you.
Fortunately, reversing your weight ‘achievement’ is fairly straightforward:Simply do the opposite of everything you’ve done so far. Start exercising, increase your lean body mass by engaging in strength training. Spend time walking, swimming or cycling. Find ways to move your body at work. Avoid all processed foods and foods made with high-fructose corn syrup, white flour, refined white sugar and other refined carbohydrates. Remove soda and other soft drinks from your diet, avoid all fried foods and junk foods. Once you do all that, your liver function will begin to improve rapidly. The hardening of your arteries will begin to reverse. Your cardiovascular health will improve dramatically. Your brain function will even improve. Your level of energy and vitality will gradually rise. You will find it easier to sleep at night and get up in the morning. You won’t get sick as often, and you’ll find that your immune system begins to function the way it’s supposed to in a healthy human being. And, oh yeah . . . your body fat will slowly begin to melt off.
If this conversation about how to gain weight sounds silly, that’s because it is. What’s even crazier is that half the population in America is on The Weight Gain Plan right now, and they’re doing it for free! How’s that for crazy?
Let’s get serious about what all this means. First, we’ve got to acknowledge and accept that we all have a great deal of power to control our own health outcome. There is a recipe for gaining weight and being diseased, just as there is a recipe for losing weight and being free of disease. You can choose to follow whichever recipe you want, and you will get exactly the results of the recipe you choose. So if you’re standing on a path right now, and it’s not the path you want to be on in terms of your own health, stop walking down that path, take a look around and find a new path. It’s not going to change your health overnight, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day, you can end up on a completely different path than where you started. Don’t walk blindly, leaving your health to chance. If you open your eyes so that you actually see where you’re walking, you can see what kind of result you want to achieve, move towards it steadily, with determination, and ultimately experience it each and every day for the rest of your life.